This night was very very difficult for me. I already shifted myself in the night mode. Nights are more productive but more cruel as well. This phrase “I’ll never be good enough” I was repeating in my head since I woke up yesterday evening, and this is how I started it. Then I sat and was writing, this was about two hours. I was writing, laying on the notebook with my head and writing again till it was full.
I was thinking about that three times I was falling in love during the last year. Two of them ignored me the day after we met, despite they were so friendly before. I was crazy about having no chance to met them again. The third one wanted to use me and how he was behaving with me was creation of an illusion that he liked me. But eventually I was even not good enough for what he wanted to use me for.
I was thinking about writing my thesis. I have to hand out them in one week but in fact I heave no chance to be in time. I have had four fucking years to make my thesis, to publish papers despite the normal time is three and something years. So far I did neither. And I’m pretty much sure I did nothing really useful during my PhD.
I didn’t learn English good enough for staying in science, I didn’t learn German good enough to go in industry. I don’t know what I’m going to do afterwards. Four professors I wrote recently did not answer me anything, despite one of them was writing something so far. He got it I’m not what he was looking for. He was writing me so far only because of my professor.
The thing I wanted was that somebody will come in my life and help me to repair it, cause it is so much destroyed. I was opening my heart and falling in love. I was thrown away the day I showed I’m not a successful jerk but destroyed freak. And this damaged me even deeper every time. Now my heart is totally ruined.
After I stopped writing I saw how the sunlight appears outside the window and then there was a heavy shower. It was so beautiful…
In my dreams today I saw my mother. The only person in the whole world who ever loved me…