I’ve become incredibly unfriendly lately. I don’t know exactly why, you never know, but I can guess.
First this is the war in my country, my homeland being annexed by fucking Putin and the Russian citizenship which I didn’t ask for, imposed on me just because. Everyday I meet news from Ukraine and there are worse and worse.
The second. I simply grow old. And change. Life is going on and on and there are realities of the life after graduation. I wouldn’t believe in this two years ago, but it exists. And it’s neither heaven nor limbo nor hell. It’s a regular life more defined and less opened. In a way.
As the result I didn’t have sex for the last half year. Just recently I again started visiting clubs. But… I spent time there like it was a museum. Last weekend there was a young guy trying to make out with me. But he stopped after an hour because of my attitude.
I need friends much more than I need sex. Especially since I moved to Berlin a year ago. But I’ve become unbelievably heavy in conversations. I feel like I turned to a big brain which is only interested in intellectual challenges, information and political views. The fact that some people still find me pretty is flattering. But it only makes a dissonance and make the people leave me after they start a conversation.
Shall I do anything to it and how? Or may be I ask myself what for? Still a question of enormous importance…
Interestingly, I discovered that we are defined with a historical frames we’ve been living in. Like 5-10 years ago I would believe I could be born any time, go to any country and start another degree in whatever. Not any more. We make history and the same or even more history makes us like we are. And I even start to like this phenomenon. Without liking the history itself.
But may be 27 is not the best age to stop trials of finding myself in social and personal life. It is not even a middle age crisis yet.
It feels like I reached the critical turning point of my life. And I have to figure out if I’s still able to develop or I should stop and just… Idk, focus on what I have and live my boring life.
I hope I’ll end up being a good person, though.